Thank God for iPhones

Tonight we got to talk to Bella on face time. Its been 17 days since I last saw her face to face so these calls are my saving grace. I didn't think I was going to get to talk to her today. I was going crazy earlier. I feel so empty without her and I miss her terrible. I got my fix for tonight. Until Monday or hopefully earlier!

Make a wish.

We walk a mile from our house to Evans work everyday at lunch time. It gives dodge the fresh air he needs and Eva the excersie she needs. We walk this everyday hoping to see a dandelion. Today we found one and we made a wish. This is usually Bella's thing to do. She is in love with making wishes and letting the little seeds fly away! We miss Bella and Eva can't stop singing and talking about her sister that seems to have disappeared. It's been 16 days since we last saw her, kissed her, huged her. I hope this wish gets to her and that she comes home soon.

And it all came crashing down

I avoid talking about Bella because it hurts. This isn't fun. The past five years have been a roller coaster of ups and downs and more loops then I would like. I am re living the worst decision over and over again. She's gone. Jon has her in school in Fresno and won't meet me every other weekend anymore. I could have gone to court. I think a judge would give me every other weekend but something stopped me. At first I thought it was fear, the fear of losing in court all over again. Then in mid week service two Wednesdays ago God showed up and calmed my heart and told me he was with me to be strong and to have faith he is the ultimate Judge. So I am doing the most unnatural thing as a mother and that is letting go. I'll allow Jon to think he made this decision and that he is right for doing this. In reality God is taking me by the heart and the hand leading me to something that only he knows. I know God is good and that he only has plans for good. I call almost everyday and we talk in FaceTime so I do see her. I email the teacher and she has been wonderful at updating me on Bella! It's a new normal to get used to. For all involved to get used to. I can't help but feel to Blame for my kids, my husband, my parents sisters their children and Evans family's pain. They all miss Bella they all want her here. What am I supposed to say. This is why I need to be constantly in Gods presence. Because in his presence all fear is gone. She asked yesterday when she will come home and I couldn't answer her. I can't even think that I won't see her for 40 more days. I should have her this weekend and with it here I find myself trying to catch air. My heart beats fast and my eyes tear up when I hear her name from her 2 year old sister. It's going to be a long journey and it's only just begun. I need prayer, my kids need prayer, Bella needs your prayers. What little girl doesn't need their mommy.
Trust God and know he is good.