Thank God for iPhones

Tonight we got to talk to Bella on face time. Its been 17 days since I last saw her face to face so these calls are my saving grace. I didn't think I was going to get to talk to her today. I was going crazy earlier. I feel so empty without her and I miss her terrible. I got my fix for tonight. Until Monday or hopefully earlier!

Make a wish.

We walk a mile from our house to Evans work everyday at lunch time. It gives dodge the fresh air he needs and Eva the excersie she needs. We walk this everyday hoping to see a dandelion. Today we found one and we made a wish. This is usually Bella's thing to do. She is in love with making wishes and letting the little seeds fly away! We miss Bella and Eva can't stop singing and talking about her sister that seems to have disappeared. It's been 16 days since we last saw her, kissed her, huged her. I hope this wish gets to her and that she comes home soon.

And it all came crashing down

I avoid talking about Bella because it hurts. This isn't fun. The past five years have been a roller coaster of ups and downs and more loops then I would like. I am re living the worst decision over and over again. She's gone. Jon has her in school in Fresno and won't meet me every other weekend anymore. I could have gone to court. I think a judge would give me every other weekend but something stopped me. At first I thought it was fear, the fear of losing in court all over again. Then in mid week service two Wednesdays ago God showed up and calmed my heart and told me he was with me to be strong and to have faith he is the ultimate Judge. So I am doing the most unnatural thing as a mother and that is letting go. I'll allow Jon to think he made this decision and that he is right for doing this. In reality God is taking me by the heart and the hand leading me to something that only he knows. I know God is good and that he only has plans for good. I call almost everyday and we talk in FaceTime so I do see her. I email the teacher and she has been wonderful at updating me on Bella! It's a new normal to get used to. For all involved to get used to. I can't help but feel to Blame for my kids, my husband, my parents sisters their children and Evans family's pain. They all miss Bella they all want her here. What am I supposed to say. This is why I need to be constantly in Gods presence. Because in his presence all fear is gone. She asked yesterday when she will come home and I couldn't answer her. I can't even think that I won't see her for 40 more days. I should have her this weekend and with it here I find myself trying to catch air. My heart beats fast and my eyes tear up when I hear her name from her 2 year old sister. It's going to be a long journey and it's only just begun. I need prayer, my kids need prayer, Bella needs your prayers. What little girl doesn't need their mommy.
Trust God and know he is good.

Maybe we have taken a turn for the better

In the past couple weeks Jon and I have talked. We seem to enjoy each others company or not hate it. Can't tell how I feel exactly. With Bella starting school soon it only makes me happier to be on good terms with him. Next week she has a kindergarten evaluation whatever that means. I would rather be homeschooling her. I hate that we are putting her in school. It's only going to make things worse with our custody arrangement and we are allowing the government to tell her what to think and learn. She is smart and she shouldn't already at 5 feel the pressure of measuring up to some idea of smart by a stupid test. With all that said im happy for her and hope she has lots of success. I will continue to pray that Jon and I get along. That we work together and that he keeps me in the loop as much as possible.

up to date in a few sentences.

Since 2010 we went to court in November and I lost. the Judge made a ruling based on all the information Jonathan and I gave her. It seems sad that i will only see bella for about 8 days a month, but its been happening now almost 2 years. Its crazy what you can get used to. God defiantly has been my strength and my hiding place the past 5 years throughout this mess i made for myself. Jon and I didn'

t talk for an entire year, sure maybe a couple times here and there but nothing in depth. I have tried to get a long keep my head down and just love Bella all i can with the time i do have with her. She will start kindergarten in the fall and Jon has said he would only like her to be with me for a week in the summer and every other holiday. this information would have flipped me for a loop into crazy town 2 years ago but now i have seen heard and been through it all by this boy that nothing surprises me. if we have to go back to court i will ask to keep it every other weekend. we've been doing that for so long and now, its all Bella knows. why take that away from her because its a pain to drive every other friday and sunday night an hour and half. who knows what will happen in the fall but i know that God loves her and that she has a lot of people who care for her. ill try to update more often. i have had some funny times i wish i had recorded.

Mediation 1/29/2010

After the consult with the Lawyer I left feeling confident that i had a case if we took it to court. Praying about it in the weeks following my husband and I still didn't feel like we got the go ahead from God. I went ahead and scheduled a Mediation appointment. Bella still Only stays longer if Jonathan allows it. It kills me as a mother to not have her here every day. I am not active in her life and i want to be. Very very much i want to be in her life. I can't take back the agreement i signed over a year ago. I have tried. I made those mistakes and i have spent the past year living in those mistakes. I am a capable mother who can stay home make breakfast lunch and dinner. Be there to potty train her properly. Allow her to go to preschool, make friends and live a normal three year old life. I can't say that her father can give her all that without having his mother do it all for him. Its not natural for Our daughter to be raised by a Grandmother, when the Mother is fully capable and willing.

Mediation is today and I want us to come together as Parents. We both love Isabella and want the best for her. Shouldn't that be to spend equal time or more time with the parent that has the time to spend on her without work, school, life in the way? I can't make Jonathan change the parenting plan, I cant even get Jonathan to listen to me or look me in the eye. I can ONLY Hope and Pray for a miracle today. It would be a blessing to whoever may read this to Pray for our family which includes A lot of lives.


Isabella
Laurel
Jonathan
Both sets of Grandparents
Uncle with Cousin
Aunts with cousins ( both sides)
Evan ( Step Father)
Step Aunts and uncles
Step Grandmothers
last but not least Isabella's soon to be born Sister Eva Green.

All of us are affected by Isabella, We all Love and support her. So God has to be in control of all our lives.

Moving to Los angeles

i will be going to court. and the paperwork begins. yay